Jason's Insanity
The wind rushed through his hair, like wind through hair. Jason was one of a group of Cloud Surfers, living life right on the edge*. He had travelled here from planet Earth in a super-fast Dimension Ship, to be with his new lover which he had met on the new Universe-wide version of the Internet. She was just like a human. Her tribe had travelled there many years ago through a hole in the Space-time Continuum, created by an Atomic Fart which killed 3-thousand people on a parallel version of Earth with yellow grass and pink trees.
"Sdoow Regit ma i," said Jason, having just learnt how to speak backwards like the people on the Triangular Planet. "Ecaps retuo otni sllab flog tih nac i," which was absolutely true.
The moon rose up above the underpant stilts, the sky red and black and yellow and on fire. Men in white jigsaw puzzles invented mazes to amaze the many Marys, which made pavements pay for pain coats and digeridoo ("Oooh look my throat is sailing through the menagerie!").
Caught in a gale-force wind, Jason flipped over, sending himself into a spin. "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!" he wrote on a piece of paper, folded it into a plane and then sent it down towards the ground for somebody to help him. 5 minutes later, a paper plane came back up which said, "What's the matter?" Jason shot this with his magical gun, and it grew to 10 times the size. He jumped on it and flew through an invisible barrier between two different realities.
Once in the new reality, Jason phoned his favourite cow. "Hello," it said (whilst walking on stilts towards a shed**). "I am your favourite cow. What would you like to talk about?"
"How many bananas does it take to change a light bulb?" asked Jason.
"Well that depends," said the cow. "Are we talking about somebody holding bananas in their hands, or are we actually talking about some kind of mutant banana which has evolved to be bigger and with arms and legs?"
"I am talking about a spaceship covered in jelly," said Jason. "It vibrates and flashes blue like a hallucinating zebra on stilts." Well, that was the end of that.
Then suddenly, a man appeared from nowhere***, and a bang happened on a hill. Another man jumped sideways, and a car fell down from the sky ("I like rummaging through the magic table cloths!"). All this happened in a time, but somebody boxed up the time and buried it in a brown earthly pile of hatred, deep down beneath the sky of the tree of the Wales and underpants (where the cows fart). This made a giraffe pregnant, but not with a baby, no, with time. It gave birth to time 15 months later (that's more than a whole year!), but when you add the time born to the time it took to grow inside the giraffe's womb, you end up with about 5 years, which is not much use to anyone really. That's why you see so many second-hand 5 years in all the charity shops. Nobody wants them. They're no use to anyone. Trust me, you're far better off with something smaller, such as 2 years. You know where you are with that. Do you know what I mean?
The End.
Footnotes:
* The edge of what? Well, nobody knows this, not even me. He was on the edge of something though, that's for definite. Perhaps it was life itself? Yes, that's probably it.
** In case you're wondering how the cow managed to answer the phone whilst walking on stilts (on all four legs, in case you didn't realise), there are two possible options. Number 1, maybe the cow is a special type of cow that has evolved to have arms as well as four legs? This could actually be quite useful for other things as well, such as picking apples from trees, throwing sticks at passing sheep, or even clapping when other cows perform magic tricks. The second possiblity, is that maybe the cow has a little helper come round with him, an elf or pixie, or maybe just another cow who has managed to walk on only two legs and has had human hands surgically grafted into its front feet. I've just thought of a third possiblity - maybe the cow is using one of those hands-free sets? Although perhaps cows would call them "I-haven't-got-any-hands Sets"? That's assuming cows can speak, which they probably can't, so perhaps Jason's cow is in fact two men dressed up as a cow? They are pretending to be a cow that can speak, because Jason believes that cows can speak, because he is insane and surfs on clouds. It's all one big conspiracy against a man who's perception of reality has become permenantly damaged from when a monkey bashed him on the head with a big stick. He's not the only one with a strange hobby though, because his friend Peter collects black & white photographs of pregnant kangaroos.
*** Nowhere doesn't actually exist. I know because I have been there, and I didn't find anything, not even nothing, there was none of that, just this vast expanse of not-anything-anti-nothing, spreading for miles and miles in all directions, but really, not even the concept of directions even existed there, and not even I existed there, so I wasn't there really, so how could I know whether or not it exists? Where is it anyway?
The Other End.
-------------------------
Not all my stories will be quite as meaninglessly insane as this one. Most of them will have some kind of a plot, I hope, even if it's a bit of a far-fetched one. This one though, what the hell was I thinking?! I mean to say! Still, I thoroughly enjoyed writing it, and that's all I care about really. If you didn't enjoy reading it, I appologise to your eyes.
"Sdoow Regit ma i," said Jason, having just learnt how to speak backwards like the people on the Triangular Planet. "Ecaps retuo otni sllab flog tih nac i," which was absolutely true.
The moon rose up above the underpant stilts, the sky red and black and yellow and on fire. Men in white jigsaw puzzles invented mazes to amaze the many Marys, which made pavements pay for pain coats and digeridoo ("Oooh look my throat is sailing through the menagerie!").
Caught in a gale-force wind, Jason flipped over, sending himself into a spin. "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!" he wrote on a piece of paper, folded it into a plane and then sent it down towards the ground for somebody to help him. 5 minutes later, a paper plane came back up which said, "What's the matter?" Jason shot this with his magical gun, and it grew to 10 times the size. He jumped on it and flew through an invisible barrier between two different realities.
Once in the new reality, Jason phoned his favourite cow. "Hello," it said (whilst walking on stilts towards a shed**). "I am your favourite cow. What would you like to talk about?"
"How many bananas does it take to change a light bulb?" asked Jason.
"Well that depends," said the cow. "Are we talking about somebody holding bananas in their hands, or are we actually talking about some kind of mutant banana which has evolved to be bigger and with arms and legs?"
"I am talking about a spaceship covered in jelly," said Jason. "It vibrates and flashes blue like a hallucinating zebra on stilts." Well, that was the end of that.
Then suddenly, a man appeared from nowhere***, and a bang happened on a hill. Another man jumped sideways, and a car fell down from the sky ("I like rummaging through the magic table cloths!"). All this happened in a time, but somebody boxed up the time and buried it in a brown earthly pile of hatred, deep down beneath the sky of the tree of the Wales and underpants (where the cows fart). This made a giraffe pregnant, but not with a baby, no, with time. It gave birth to time 15 months later (that's more than a whole year!), but when you add the time born to the time it took to grow inside the giraffe's womb, you end up with about 5 years, which is not much use to anyone really. That's why you see so many second-hand 5 years in all the charity shops. Nobody wants them. They're no use to anyone. Trust me, you're far better off with something smaller, such as 2 years. You know where you are with that. Do you know what I mean?
The End.
Footnotes:
* The edge of what? Well, nobody knows this, not even me. He was on the edge of something though, that's for definite. Perhaps it was life itself? Yes, that's probably it.
** In case you're wondering how the cow managed to answer the phone whilst walking on stilts (on all four legs, in case you didn't realise), there are two possible options. Number 1, maybe the cow is a special type of cow that has evolved to have arms as well as four legs? This could actually be quite useful for other things as well, such as picking apples from trees, throwing sticks at passing sheep, or even clapping when other cows perform magic tricks. The second possiblity, is that maybe the cow has a little helper come round with him, an elf or pixie, or maybe just another cow who has managed to walk on only two legs and has had human hands surgically grafted into its front feet. I've just thought of a third possiblity - maybe the cow is using one of those hands-free sets? Although perhaps cows would call them "I-haven't-got-any-hands Sets"? That's assuming cows can speak, which they probably can't, so perhaps Jason's cow is in fact two men dressed up as a cow? They are pretending to be a cow that can speak, because Jason believes that cows can speak, because he is insane and surfs on clouds. It's all one big conspiracy against a man who's perception of reality has become permenantly damaged from when a monkey bashed him on the head with a big stick. He's not the only one with a strange hobby though, because his friend Peter collects black & white photographs of pregnant kangaroos.
*** Nowhere doesn't actually exist. I know because I have been there, and I didn't find anything, not even nothing, there was none of that, just this vast expanse of not-anything-anti-nothing, spreading for miles and miles in all directions, but really, not even the concept of directions even existed there, and not even I existed there, so I wasn't there really, so how could I know whether or not it exists? Where is it anyway?
The Other End.
-------------------------
Not all my stories will be quite as meaninglessly insane as this one. Most of them will have some kind of a plot, I hope, even if it's a bit of a far-fetched one. This one though, what the hell was I thinking?! I mean to say! Still, I thoroughly enjoyed writing it, and that's all I care about really. If you didn't enjoy reading it, I appologise to your eyes.
posted by Marcus at 9:52 pm
4 comments
Roll the dice
