Saturday, February 26, 2005

More Stories Soon

Just to let you know, I am in the process of writing some new stories. I am taking my time to write them, because I want them to be great, not rushed. Just letting you know, just in case you were wondering whether I'd given up. I definately haven't, and there will hopefully be a new story to read sometime within the next few weeks. Trust me, it's well worth the wait, the stories I'm writing at the moment are out-of-this-world!

Friday, January 14, 2005

Moon Lovers

Dave and Julia only ever meet on moonlit nights. They find the moonlight romantic, and night time is the only time when they can get away from their partners. Dave's excuse to his wife is that he is down the pub. Julia's excuse to her husband is that she is playing bingo.

They always meet in the same field, on the same hill, 3 miles away from town, the moon lighting the edges of their faces, cold like the wind through the trees, alone, together, desperate, passionate.
"I love you more than anything," says Julia, pulling Dave closer to her.
"I know," says Dave, his face partially in shadow.
She continues, the wind in her hair: "You're like....the world in my hands, in my head, in this moonlit sky, you're everything I want, over and over and over again, all in my head, like the rustling of the trees, like the quiet breeze which strokes my soul, holding me, forever in this field, like time is standing still. They'll never know the places we go to inside ourselves, to escape everything else, like it's all too much, it's all too much but we run away, we run away and into each other, and we're like one, like one whole, like the whole sky and the moon as well."

One night, a moonlit night is due, but the sky is cloudy. They still meet, alone in complete darkness. The wind howls through the nearby trees, a spooky sound made even more so by the fact that they can't see them.
"What's that over there????" Julia wispers, surprised. They see a light in the nearby trees.
"Somebody's there!" wispers Dave. "What's that sound???"
"It's like a....scraping sound!" says Julia. "And the rustling of branches!"

Then suddenly there is a scream. Dave and Julia freeze in horror. They look, the light is no longer there.
"Quick, let's get out of here!" wispers Julia frantically, turning to run away.
"No, somebody might need our help!" says Dave, grabbing her arm. "We have to investigate!" They run towards where the scream came from, but when they get there, there is nobody there.
"Weird..." says Julia.

They go home, agreeing to meet back there at dawn. The next day, they go back to the same spot.
"Look!" says Dave, pointing to an arrow on a tree, pointing upwards.
"I can see something!" says Julia. "There's something hanging up there!"
Dave begins to climb up the tree. "It's a key!" he says, once near to it. He climbs back down.
"This is REALLY weird!" says Julia.
"I wonder what it unlocks...?" says Dave.

At night, they both dream of a cave in the woods on a hill. The following day they go in search of the cave. Inside, they find a rusty old doorway.
"Try the key, Dave!" says Julia. The door unlocks. They open it, revealing a passageway.
"Let's see where it goes," says Dave. They walk along it. It is dark and full of spiders. It seams neverending. Eventually, after about an hour of walking, they come across another door. The key opens this door as well, and they emerge into the basement of an old house.

It's the biggest, oldest house you could imagine, dark, disturbing, intruiging, abandoned like an old ruined castle full of lurking shadows and dusty smells hiding in the corners of secret rooms without furniture.

"I was wondering how long it would be until you two turned up," a voice behind them surprises them.
"Who ARE you????" asks Julia.
"Nevermind who I am," says the man. "Familiarity will only serve as a distraction." He moves closer. "I have important things to tell you. There are many dimensions other than those which you are experiencing. You can access them through your dreams. Let me show you how..." He holds out his hand. In it are two tablets. They look at him, shocked. "Take them, they will show you the way..."

They take the tablets and swallow them. Within minutes they both collapse to the floor...

The next thing they are aware of, they are talking to God. He doesn't have a human form. He is just this big ball of energy, communicating to them through pure thought. They know what they have to do. They diagonally point their arms towards their own thoughts, cloudy and visualised above them as colourful vapour. They start to get pulled out of themselves in a new direction they didn't know existed. This is not up, down, left, right, forwards, backwards or diagonal versions of any of these. Instead, they travel in a direction which can only be explained as all directions at once but also no directions at once, inwards and outwards at the same time until they are no longer there, but somewhere else entirely, with new scientific laws, new colours, new sounds, new senses, new everything. Or was it old? Where were they anyway? Or did "where" not even exist here? Yes, that's right, they were existing outside of Space-time, in dimensions composed entirely of theoretical concepts.
"I like this new place," Julia would have said, had she been able to speak, but instead the colour yellow emerged from the left elbow of a person she was thinking about.
"I know exactly what you mean," Dave would have said, but his mouth was now an imaginary cow, dancing inwards towards ideas about oil paintings being thrown towards sheep on stilts. They travel (a version of) sideways and land what would be upside-down (but in this dimension it is wobble-wobble-elbow-sausage) on a triangular planet populated entirely by upright, talking cows.
"We are the mib mib mibby cows!" says one of them, and promtly hang-glides towards the theory of evolution.

During this hallucinatory trip, the man strips their helpless bodies of their clothes, and takes photographs of them in unusual positions (often with colourful scarves draped around them), to add to his collection in his Special Room of Collected Things.

The End.

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Sunday, December 12, 2004

Jason's Insanity

The wind rushed through his hair, like wind through hair. Jason was one of a group of Cloud Surfers, living life right on the edge*. He had travelled here from planet Earth in a super-fast Dimension Ship, to be with his new lover which he had met on the new Universe-wide version of the Internet. She was just like a human. Her tribe had travelled there many years ago through a hole in the Space-time Continuum, created by an Atomic Fart which killed 3-thousand people on a parallel version of Earth with yellow grass and pink trees.
"Sdoow Regit ma i," said Jason, having just learnt how to speak backwards like the people on the Triangular Planet. "Ecaps retuo otni sllab flog tih nac i," which was absolutely true.

The moon rose up above the underpant stilts, the sky red and black and yellow and on fire. Men in white jigsaw puzzles invented mazes to amaze the many Marys, which made pavements pay for pain coats and digeridoo ("Oooh look my throat is sailing through the menagerie!").

Caught in a gale-force wind, Jason flipped over, sending himself into a spin. "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!" he wrote on a piece of paper, folded it into a plane and then sent it down towards the ground for somebody to help him. 5 minutes later, a paper plane came back up which said, "What's the matter?" Jason shot this with his magical gun, and it grew to 10 times the size. He jumped on it and flew through an invisible barrier between two different realities.

Once in the new reality, Jason phoned his favourite cow. "Hello," it said (whilst walking on stilts towards a shed**). "I am your favourite cow. What would you like to talk about?"
"How many bananas does it take to change a light bulb?" asked Jason.
"Well that depends," said the cow. "Are we talking about somebody holding bananas in their hands, or are we actually talking about some kind of mutant banana which has evolved to be bigger and with arms and legs?"
"I am talking about a spaceship covered in jelly," said Jason. "It vibrates and flashes blue like a hallucinating zebra on stilts." Well, that was the end of that.

Then suddenly, a man appeared from nowhere***, and a bang happened on a hill. Another man jumped sideways, and a car fell down from the sky ("I like rummaging through the magic table cloths!"). All this happened in a time, but somebody boxed up the time and buried it in a brown earthly pile of hatred, deep down beneath the sky of the tree of the Wales and underpants (where the cows fart). This made a giraffe pregnant, but not with a baby, no, with time. It gave birth to time 15 months later (that's more than a whole year!), but when you add the time born to the time it took to grow inside the giraffe's womb, you end up with about 5 years, which is not much use to anyone really. That's why you see so many second-hand 5 years in all the charity shops. Nobody wants them. They're no use to anyone. Trust me, you're far better off with something smaller, such as 2 years. You know where you are with that. Do you know what I mean?

The End.


Footnotes:

* The edge of what? Well, nobody knows this, not even me. He was on the edge of something though, that's for definite. Perhaps it was life itself? Yes, that's probably it.

** In case you're wondering how the cow managed to answer the phone whilst walking on stilts (on all four legs, in case you didn't realise), there are two possible options. Number 1, maybe the cow is a special type of cow that has evolved to have arms as well as four legs? This could actually be quite useful for other things as well, such as picking apples from trees, throwing sticks at passing sheep, or even clapping when other cows perform magic tricks. The second possiblity, is that maybe the cow has a little helper come round with him, an elf or pixie, or maybe just another cow who has managed to walk on only two legs and has had human hands surgically grafted into its front feet. I've just thought of a third possiblity - maybe the cow is using one of those hands-free sets? Although perhaps cows would call them "I-haven't-got-any-hands Sets"? That's assuming cows can speak, which they probably can't, so perhaps Jason's cow is in fact two men dressed up as a cow? They are pretending to be a cow that can speak, because Jason believes that cows can speak, because he is insane and surfs on clouds. It's all one big conspiracy against a man who's perception of reality has become permenantly damaged from when a monkey bashed him on the head with a big stick. He's not the only one with a strange hobby though, because his friend Peter collects black & white photographs of pregnant kangaroos.

*** Nowhere doesn't actually exist. I know because I have been there, and I didn't find anything, not even nothing, there was none of that, just this vast expanse of not-anything-anti-nothing, spreading for miles and miles in all directions, but really, not even the concept of directions even existed there, and not even I existed there, so I wasn't there really, so how could I know whether or not it exists? Where is it anyway?

The Other End.

-------------------------

Not all my stories will be quite as meaninglessly insane as this one. Most of them will have some kind of a plot, I hope, even if it's a bit of a far-fetched one. This one though, what the hell was I thinking?! I mean to say! Still, I thoroughly enjoyed writing it, and that's all I care about really. If you didn't enjoy reading it, I appologise to your eyes.

The Day Ben Fell Apart

Ben was a quiet young man. Always kept himself to himself, his own thoughts, his own dreams, his own fantasies. He was always pleasant to people though, always a smile on his face.

But beneath all this, even unknown to him, a fire was burning. Life was taking its toll, but he didn't know it.

Then one day, a bright sunny April day, he woke up, and nothing made sense. His brain was falling apart, everything was a blur, his mind was spiralling downwards, life was out of focus. He couldn't breathe properely, his heart was racing, thoughts were fragmented and bizarre, normal functioning was impossible.

And then it happened, the explosion inside his head, and that was it, everything was just red and black and completely blurred. First he smashed the TV, then all the windows in the flat, then all the glasses and plates. He stabbed the cat, threw the dog out the window, cut off a toe and threw it at a passing paperboy.

Then he got in the car, drove 10 miles to some cliffs, and drove right off. The official verdict got it wrong though. They said "death by misadventure".

It's kind of funny though. Why? Because it wasn't his flat. Or his car.

Or his toe.

It was his cat and dog though. They used to follow him everywhere. They were tied by a piece of string.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Burst Straight In

He was sat there in the hairdresser's chair. Everything was normal until I walked past the window, then everything went dark. The hairdresser leaned forward:
"I can see into the mirror," he said, spookily.
"I know," said the customer. "Shut up and cut my hair!"
"I can see your face,"
"So can I!"
"Do you want me to lap dance for you?"
"WHAT???? GET OUT OF YOUR SHOP!!!"
And so the hairdresser ran out of the shop, and I ran in, pulled he customer out of the chair, and sat down.
"Okay, so what'll it be?" said the customer, now stood behind me.
"A full massage with all the extras," I winked.
"Okay, I'll fetch Melanie..." and off he ran into the street. "MELANIE! MELANIE!" he shouted as he ran through the street.
"Yes?" answered a woman he'd never met before.
"We have a customer."
"Okay," she said, and followed him back to the shop.

Meanwhile, the haidresser had changed his mind ("Hang on, what the hell am I doing???!!!") and ran back. He was so angry that a customer had told him to get out of his own shop, that he ran through the door without even opening it. The customer was so shocked he ran away. Melanie sat in the chair.
"Okay, what'll it be?" asked the hairdresser.
"Well," said Melanie. "I would quite like a bowl of cereal actually."

Then everything faded and all was black, and I realised that I'd been remembering a dream whilst dreaming about walking home from the shops, and there I was, stood on the top of a building in the middle of nowhere. It weas night time. I was tired. I decided to go to sleep. I fell, and landed in a cloud.